The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #16

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Here's a really quick recap of the story so far: Charlie the Dog and his maid, Ethel, were trying to capture a dangerous international spy at their local tree centre. The trouble was, he was cleverly disguised as a tree. How would they find him amongst all the other trees?

With the world's most powerful hairdryer, that's how!

Charlie switched it on and pointed it at the nearest group of trees.

Whoooosh!!!

The trees bent and swayed awkwardly in the onslaught of wind. All of them, that is, except for one of the smaller trees which shot straight up from the ground and landed with a thump on a nearby bench.

Charlie immediately ran over and ripped all the leaves and branches off the imitation tree. Underneath all that foliage was an angry, scowling man. Dangerous international spies are always angry and scowling – that's how you can tell who they are.

'Gotcha!' said Charlie triumphantly, slipping some handcuffs on him.

'Grr! I'm not very happy at all!' growled the dangerous international spy, slipping the handcuffs off again because they were much too big for him.

Charlie grabbed some smaller handcuffs and clamped them over the man's wrists. No slipping at all this time – the spy was well and truly caught.

Scowling even more, the spy snapped: 'So, how did you know that your hairdryer would find me out?'

'Yes,' said Ethel, who'd strolled over to join them once she knew that the dangerous international spy was safely clamped in those handcuffs and couldn't do them any harm. 'What's the deal with the hairdryer, sir?'

'Simple,' said Charlie. 'I wanted to root out my spy from among those trees. And I figured that if he wasn't a real tree, he wouldn't have any roots. I knew that the other trees would stay put when faced with a mighty wind, but our enemy here … well, it looks like he ended up on the losers' bench!'

'Ha ha!' laughed Ethel.

'Ho ho!' chortled Charlie the Dog.

No, this isn't the clichéd heartwarming bit at the end of the story. There's another instalment tomorrow, and many, many more to come…


Today’s total: 357 words (Total so far: 5,364 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #15

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'Fantastic! A battery-operated hairdryer!'

The person enthusing about this commonplace hair-care appliance was Charlie the Dog, the world-famous poodle detective. He didn't normally get worked up about commonplace hair-care appliances, but today was a massive exception. He was desperate for one.

'Why is that?' asked the one and only reader of this story.

'Patience, dear reader,' said the one and only writer of this story. 'The answer will come soon.'

Charlie the Dog and his maid, Ethel, were currently visiting their local tree centre to buy a tree (what else?). Instead (as usual), Charlie found himself involved in a mystery. He had discovered that a dangerous international spy – cleverly disguised as a tree – was in the tree centre with them and possibly out to kill them.

Ethel panicked and started bashing Charlie about the head with her handbag (as you do). Out of the handbag slipped Ethel's battery operated hairdryer which Charlie happily picked up off the ground.

'Just what I need,' said Charlie.

'It is?' said Ethel. 'Your fur isn't wet, sir. What do you need it for?'

'Look and see,' said Charlie.

Ethel's hairdryer was small (it had to be to slot inside her handbag between her treasured pairs of false teeth), but it happened to be the most powerful hairdryer ever. It was so powerful that it could dry someone's hair from ten miles away … but if they wanted to do this, someone else would have to operate the hairdryer for them (unless they had arms that were ten miles long).

Charlie switched on the hairdryer.

'At last!' snapped the one and only reader of this story. 'Most of today's instalment has been a recap of the story so far. Only in the last few sentences did we get to the new stuff.'

'I agree,' sighed the one and only writer of this story, 'but what can I do? I want each instalment to stand on its own, and to do that I have to set up the story each day.'

The writer continued: 'Oh, and by the way, your interruption has bumped up the word count, which means we now have to finish for the day.'

'Oh, poo,' said the reader. 'That'll teach me to open my mouth.'

Come back tomorrow for another exciting recap with a little bit of new stuff at the end.


Today’s total: 390 words (Total so far: 5,007 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #14

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Charlie the Dog, the world-famous detective, was currently paying a visit to his local tree centre. He was also digging into his pocket.

He wasn't reaching for cash to pay for one of the trees. No, he was fishing for an impressive electronic device. He had reason to believe that one of the trees was some sort of spy in a clever disguise.

Charlie's maid, Ethel, was peering over his shoulder.

'What's that, sir?' she asked as Charlie examined the small but high-tech device.

'It's my special international spy beeper,' said Charlie. 'It always beeps when there's a dangerous international spy in the area, and it's beeping right now.'

'Beep – beep – beep,' it beeped.

Ethel gulped.

'D-dangerous spy?' she said, a little nervously.

'That's right, Ethel,' confirmed Charlie. 'No doubt it's that person dressed up as a tree that you pointed out to me. Maybe he has a special world-famous poodle detective beeper and he followed me here. He probably wants to kill me, and you too, Ethel. Exciting, isn't it?'

'Exciting?' Ethel was fuming. 'I'll give you exciting, sir!'

Ethel bashed poor Charlie round the head a few times with her handbag.

'How dare you put me in a dangerous situation like this!'

Bash! Bash!

'Ow! Oof! What are you doing, Ethel?' asked Charlie, surprised at his maid's sudden outburst.

'What do you think I'm doing, sir?' screeched Ethel as she continued with her savage assault. 'So much for your famous powers of deduction. I'm bashing you round the head, of course.'

Ethel's handbag was very painful. That's because she had much of her treasured false teeth collection in there, which weighed quite a bit. But the handbag soon became lighter when something dropped out of it.

In between all the bashes, Charlie saw what that 'something' was and smiled.

'Fantastic, Ethel! You're a genius!' cheered Charlie.

'I am?' Ethel stopped bashing him round the head.

Why was Ethel such a genius? And what exactly dropped out of her handbag? Guess what – you're going to have to read tomorrow's exciting instalment to find out!


Today’s total: 345 words (Total so far: 4,617 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #13

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This is the story so far. Charlie the Dog and his hopeless maid, Ethel, were shopping in the local tree centre. That’s because they wanted to buy a tree (of course). The trouble was, one of the trees had eyes and kept running around. Very strange.

Charlie the Dog loved a mystery, so he decided to investigate. The first thing he did was take a book out of his pocket, called The Complete Book of Trees. He always carried it with him because he never knew when he might need it … and it turned out he needed it right now.

Holding up his detective’s magnifying glass, he quickly flicked the pages and started to read out the names of the trees pictured in the book: ‘Oak. Birch. Fir. Weeping willow. Pine.’

When he’d got to the end, he announced: ‘Nope. There’s thousands of drawings of trees in here and not one of them has eyes or legs.’

‘Really?’ said Ethel.

‘Yes,’ said Charlie, ‘and it can only mean one thing. What we’re looking for isn’t really a tree.’

‘Wow!’ said Ethel, in deep admiration for her boss. ‘That’s brilliant, sir. You’re such a genius.’

‘I know, Ethel. I know,’ Charlie modestly agreed with her.

Charlie used his trusty magnifying glass to examine some of the ground that the tree had run across.

‘Just as I suspected,’ he said. ‘These are human footprints. This means that the tree we’re investigating is actually a person dressed up as a tree.’

‘Wow!’ said Ethel, still in deep admiration. ‘What great deductive skills you have. You’re even more of a genius than I thought you were.’

‘It’s okay, Ethel. You don’t need to tell me,’ said Charlie. ‘I’m fully aware of how incredibly clever I am. Now, there’s only one more thing to do.’

Charlie reached into one of his pockets and pulled out…

Ah, now that would be telling. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow’s exciting instalment to discover exactly what it is.


Today’s total: 331 words (Total so far: 4,272 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #12

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When you hear the word ‘exciting’, you probably don’t think of tree centres. ‘Boring’ might be the word that comes to mind.

But in Charlie the Dog’s local tree centre, ‘exciting’ was entirely appropriate. That’s because a young boy called Nigel was riding an out-of-control tree just like a bucking bronco in the Wild West. Nigel was dressed like a cowboy, complete with sharp spurs attached to his boots, and the spurs were digging into the tree’s trunk.

‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’ screamed the tree and it ran round in agony, with Nigel holding on for dear life.

He didn’t hold on for long. The tree swerved and swayed, and hopped, skipped and jumped so much that Nigel lost his grip and fell with a ‘Thud!’ on the lawn.

‘Waaaaaahh!’ he screamed.

Charlie the Dog and his maid Ethel happened to be at the tree centre while this was all happening. Ethel had been telling Charlie that there was a tree on the loose, running around from one part of the tree centre to another. But he didn’t believe her.

Now Charlie had seen it with his own eyes. He had also heard it with his own ears. But he’d smelt it with someone else’s nose … which is a very clever trick that not many people can do.

‘My goodness, Ethel, you were right,’ said Charlie, more astonished at his maid than the tree. ‘For the first time ever you got something completely right. Incredible!’

Ethel didn’t know whether to take this as an insult or a compliment.

‘Well, I, er…’ she said, but Charlie interrupted her.

‘No time to talk now,’ he said. ‘I’m going to investigate this tree. I want to see if its bark is worse than its bite.’

‘You mean, you want to twig what’s going on?’ said Ethel.

‘Exactly,’ said Charlie, ‘and if it’s as serious as I think, I might have to call in the special branch.’

With jokes like that, I bet you’re glad today’s instalment is now over. Tomorrow’s instalment will be better … I promise.


Today’s total: 344 words (Total so far: 3,941 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #11

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Charlie the Dog and Ethel were visiting their local tree centre. Why were they there? To buy a tree, of course!

Except there was a tree on the loose. It had two eyes that blinked and legs for running around on. Right now it was catching its breath in a corner of the tree centre.

‘B-but, sir,’ said Ethel. ‘That tree that was running…’

‘Quiet, Ethel,’ snapped Charlie. ‘I don’t believe a word of it. Stop pestering me. I’m trying to find a tree for our back garden.’

An energetic boy called Nigel was running up to the tree.

‘Way-hey!’ he squealed. ‘Another tree for me to climb. Fantastic!’

As well as climbing trees, Nigel also loved dressing up as a cowboy. He had a cowboy hat on, a cowboy waistjacket, cowboy jeans and a long winding rope with a loop on the end for rounding up cows.

‘Ride ‘em cowboy. Yee-haaa!’ he yelled as he twirled his rope above his head.

Nigel was also wearing cowboy shoes with sharp spurs on. It was a very warm day so the spurs were hot, and Nigel was from Tottenham. This meant that he was wearing … Tottenham Hot-Spurs! Ha ha!

(If anyone was actually reading this story, they would have said: ‘Boo. That’s a terrible joke!’ So it’s a good job no one’s reading it, then, isn’t it?)

Anyway, within seconds Nigel had eagerly jumped up onto the tree and was quickly shinning up it.

‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’ This was coming from the tree. The tree was going ‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’ because Nigel’s sharp spurs were digging into its trunk.

Very painful. In fact, the tree was in so much pain that it hopped and skipped round the tree centre in agony, with Nigel on its back.

Nigel was really enjoying this. He felt like the bravest of cowboys riding a bucking bronco or a runaway horse.

‘Yee-haaa!’ he yelled. ‘This is amazing!’

As hard as it is to believe, tomorrow’s exciting instalment is going to be even more amazing…


Today’s total: 339 words (Total so far: 3,597 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #10

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You would think that anyone who had a really big back garden would have a few trees in it, wouldn’t you?

‘I would,’ said one of the readers of this story.

‘So would I,’ agreed another reader.

Well, Charlie the Dog didn’t. He was the greatest detective in the whole wide world, he had pots of money, and he also had a massive back garden. But did he have any trees in it?

‘Nope,’ said that first reader.

‘Nosiree,’ agreed the second reader.

Absolutely right. Which was why Charlie and his maid decided to pop down to their nearby tree centre to finally buy a tree. The trouble was, wherever Charlie the Dog went, mystery seemed to follow, and there was a mystery brewing right now.

''Ere, sir,' said Ethel. 'That tree's got two eyes.'

'Don't be silly, Ethel,' said Charlie. 'Trees don't have eyes.'

'But that one does, sir,' insisted Ethel. 'Look. It's blinking.'

Standing next to the tree were two lovesick teenagers.

'I love you, Rodney,' said Gloria.

'I love you too, Gloria,’ said Rodney. ‘I love you so much I'm going to use my penknife to carve our names in this tree.'

He hadn’t even finished carving the first ‘R’ when there was a loud, unmistakable ‘Ow!’

'Who said that, Rodney?' said Gloria.

'I don't know, Gloria,’ said Rodney. ‘It sounded like it came from the tree.’

‘What tree, Rodney? It’s gone!’

Eagle-eyed Ethel saw what was happening.

‘Look, sir. Now it’s running away,’ she said, pointing it out to her boss.

But Charlie didn’t believe her.

‘You’re just seeing things,’ he said. ‘Trees with eyes and legs? Are you sure you haven’t been on the prune juice again?’

Will Charlie believe her tomorrow? And will Ethel drink loads of prune juice between now and then? Find out in the next exciting instalment of this tree-mendous, bark-ing mad story. (Sorry, no more tree puns today. It’s the law that you can only use two every 24 hours.)


Today’s total: 330 words (Total so far: 3,258 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #9

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‘When are we going to get to the tree centre, sir?’

This question came from Charlie the Dog’s maid, Ethel, who was sitting in the front passenger seat of the Poodlemobile, Charlie's very special car.

Charlie didn’t answer her.

‘Did you hear me, sir?’ said Ethel. ‘I said, when are we going to get to the tree centre?’

Charlie still didn't answer her.

'Oi, sir. This is annoying!' she snapped. 'Why are you ignoring me?'

There was a very simple answer to this question: Charlie hadn't heard her.

Why hadn't Charlie heard her? Here's another simple answer: Charlie wasn't in the car any more.

'Wow. Charlie's not in the car any more!'

Ethel had finally figured it out. It was the empty driving seat that gave it away. Clever Ethel, eh?

Ethel climbed out of the car and very soon realised that they were parked in the tree centre.

'Owch. By dose.'

She rubbed her aching nose. Poor Ethel had marched straight into a tree and that's what made her realise that she was now in the tree centre.

As for Charlie, he was so excited to be here that he had left Ethel behind and wandered off into the heart of the tree centre: a really large field with lots and lots of trees of all types and sizes. There were so many to choose from: small trees; tall trees; fat trees; thin trees. There was even a tree that had two staring eyes in its trunk.

''Ere, sir,' said Ethel when she'd finally caught up with Charlie. 'That tree's got two eyes.'

'Don't be silly, Ethel,' said Charlie. 'Trees don't have eyes.'

'But that one does, sir,' insisted Ethel. 'Look. It's blinking.'

'Rubbish,' snorted Charlie.

Yes, Ethel normally talks rubbish, but could she actually be right for once? I know it's hard to believe, but you might just be surprised at the outcome in tomorrow's blinking instalment of this record-breaking story.


Today’s total: 323 words (Total so far: 2,928 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #8

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The Poodlemobile was Charlie the Dog’s very special car. It was state-of-the-art, crammed with all the latest technological marvels that a world-famous poodle needs to capture lots of world-renowned horrible supervillains.

It almost seemed a waste to use it to drive two miles up the road for a visit to the local tree centre. But that’s exactly what Charlie the Dog and his maid Ethel were doing right now.

Ethel was staring out of the window on the passenger side while Charlie was driving.

‘Is that the tree centre, sir?’ she said.

‘No,’ said Charlie. ‘That’s the key centre. They plant lots of keys in a field, then they grow into key bushes and you pick whatever size key you want off the branches.’

‘Hmm. Whatever will they think of next?’

They drove a bit further, then Ethel asked: ‘Is that the tree centre over there?’

‘No,’ said Charlie. ‘That’s the flea centre. They keep fleas in flea cages, and you can buy tiny flea leads for them and walk them home as your pet.’

‘Amazing,’ said Ethel.

Another half a mile or so into their journey, Ethel asked: ‘So, is that the tree centre?’

Charlie looked in the direction she was pointing.

‘Wrong again,’ he answered her. ‘That’s the Smee centre. It’s where people dress up as Smee, Captain Hook’s sidekick from Peter Pan. It’s really popular. For a modest fee you can hire your very own Smee for children’s parties, novelty discos, or even just to hoover up around the house and maybe clean your toilets.’

Ethel was fed up.

‘That’s all well and good, sir,’ she said, ‘but this is so frustrating. We’ve passed the key centre, the flea centre and the Smee centre. For all I know, we could also be passing a knee centre, a pea centre and a Sandra Dee centre for people who are into Grease the musical. What I want to know is: when are we going to get to the tree centre?’

Do you want to know as well, dear reader? Join us for tomorrow’s exciting instalment and you might just find out.


Today’s total: 352 words (Total so far: 2,605 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #7

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Charlie the Dog was one of the world’s greatest crimefighters. Every day, without fail, he would put at least a dozen dangerous villains behind bars, most of them before breakfast. He would also get into tons of life-threatening scrapes, all of them involving thrills, chills and spine-tingling action.

Today, for example, he’s nipping along to a tree centre.

Right. Yes. Sorry, that doesn’t sound exciting at all. Charlie the Dog’s maid, Ethel, definitely wasn’t excited and she couldn’t understand why Charlie wanted to go there.

‘Tree centre, sir?’ she said. ‘What do you want to go to a tree centre for?’

Charlie sighed. He should have realised after all these years that his maid was thick, but even he was surprised by the level of thickness coming from Ethel this morning.

‘Honestly, Ethel,’ he snapped. ‘What do you think people go to tree centres for?’

Ethel scratched her head. Ignoring the avalanche of snow-like dandruff, she said: ‘Maybe they want to buy something.’

‘Yes?’ said Charlie, urging her on. ‘And what do you think they want to buy?’

‘Erm, I don’t know,’ said Ethel. ‘Bicycles? Fridges? Camels? Pogo sticks?’

Charlie was fuming.

‘No, Ethel!’ he screamed. ‘Trees! Trees!’

‘Where, sir?’ said Ethel, scanning the garden. ‘I can’t see any.’

‘Exactly,’ said Charlie. ‘That’s why we need to buy one from the tree centre. Come on, Ethel. Let’s go. I think we’ll take the Poodlemobile.’

‘Oh, goody!’ Ethel was pleased.

The Poodlemobile was Charlie the Dog’s state-of-the-art car. Only the best for the world’s greatest poodle detective. It was silver. It was smart. It could fly. It could float. It even made a cup of tea, along with freshly-cooked biscuits for dunking.

But all it was needed for at the moment was to take Charlie the Dog and Ethel a couple of miles down the road to the tree centre. To read about their thrilling journey, don’t miss tomorrow’s exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 320 words (Total so far: 2,253 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #6

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Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

Those strange sounds were how yesterday's exciting instalment finished, and the sounds came from Charlie the Dog's maid, Ethel.

Her bedroom was blisteringly hot, so after a few hours of searching for a hand-held fan to cool her down, she inserted some extra-powerful batteries, flicked the switch, then…

Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

Yes, it's those sounds again. It turned out the batteries were far more powerful than she'd expected. The blast from the fan blew her backwards out of her open bedroom window. Luckily, she landed on something soft.

Aching all over, Ethel dusted herself down while wondering out loud: 'Where's my boss, Charlie the Dog? He was supposed to be relaxing out here.'

Her boss was the 'something soft' that she'd landed on.

'I’m here,' said Charlie, but his voice was so muffled that Ethel could barely hear him.

'Eh? Who said that?' she said.

Charlie tried to make himself heard again, this time a little louder.

'I did, Ethel,' he snapped. 'Now … shift yourself! I'm suffocating!'

'Oops. Sorry, sir,' said Ethel, leaning forward so her boss slide out from underneath her. 'I didn't see you there. Hope you didn't mind me dropping in on you like that.'

'Of course not,' said Charlie, pushing himself up. 'You know I love it when people fall on me from a great height and break all my bones.'

'Do you?' said Ethel. She smiled. 'I'll have to do it again then. Excuse me while I run upstairs.' Ethel obviously didn't understand sarcasm.

'No, no,' said a panicked Charlie, pulling her back. 'Tell you what. Since we're both up and about, we might as well pop along to the tree centre to get that thing we wanted for the garden.'

'Tree centre?' said Ethel, looking puzzled. 'What can you get from a tree centre?'

It's a difficult question, for Ethel at least. For the surprisingly obvious answer, join us for tomorrow's exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 323 words (Total so far: 1,933 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #5

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Charlie the Dog, world-famous poodle detective, was relaxing in his back garden. It was his day off and he was really enjoying himself. The main reason he was enjoying himself was the fact that his maid, Ethel, was nowhere to be seen and for all he knew she could be on the other side of the world.

But she wasn't on the other side of the world. She was upstairs in her bedroom and had been there for the last six hours. She was frustrated because she was trying to find something under her bed.

'Where could it be?' she said. 'I can't see it anywhere.'

Part of the problem was that she kept too many things under her bed. For a start, there was her treasured collection of mouldy false teeth, amassed over the last fifty years. She also kept dozens of tins of rice pudding because, as she always said, you never knew when you might need a tin of rice pudding.

There was much, much more under there – conkers, bubble gum, sweet wrappers, wigs, Christmas crackers, assorted black and white photos of South American dictators – you name it, it was there … except, it seemed, the thing she was looking for.

But now she had found it.

'Yippee!' she yelled triumphantly. She decided to celebrate her success by eating a tin of rice pudding.

'Owch!' She’d taken a bite but forgotten that it's best to open the tin first. She replaced her broken false teeth with another set of dentures from under the bed.

Then she grabbed the thing that she'd been looking for all this time: a hand-held fan to cool herself down. She needed it more than ever because she'd worked up quite a sweat while reaching under her bed these last few hours.

'Brilliant! I'll just insert these extra-powerful batteries that Charlie got me, flick the switch, then…’

Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

What were these strange sounds? Sorry, you'll have to read tomorrow's exciting instalment to find out.


Today’s total: 333 words (Total so far: 1,610 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #4

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Ethel, Charlie the Dog's maid, was world-renowned for making the worst breakfasts ever.

Charlie the Dog, world-famous poodle detective, was renowned for hating Ethel's breakfasts with a passion.

He'd had to eat one this morning and it took him ages to recover. Luckily, it was his day off, so at least he didn't have to catch lots of cackling evil criminals while trying to recuperate. Instead, he was relaxing in his back garden.

'This is the life.'

Now that some of the effects of the breakfast had worn off, Charlie was really happy.

It was a sunny day, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

He was lazing in his favourite stripey deckchair, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

He was listening to the soundtrack of his favourite musical, Dog-Whistle Down the Wind, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

No, the reason he was happy was that Ethel was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't in the garden, picking weeds and nettles for one of her sloppy stews. She wasn't at work in the kitchen, concocting a poisonous mixture otherwise known as dinner. And she couldn't be seen through the living room window, pushing the vacuum cleaner around on 'blow' rather than 'suck' because she couldn't tell the difference and spraying thick clouds of dust everywhere.

For all Charlie knew, she might be on the other side of the world, and as far as he was concerned that was the best place for her.

'I hope she never comes back,' he wished out loud. 'From now on I can do my own cooking and never have to go to hospital to have my stomach pumped again.'

Poor Charlie. He was in for a horrible surprise.

What was it? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now, would it? But you might just find out if you read tomorrow's exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 318 words (Total so far: 1,277 words)