The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #6

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

Those strange sounds were how yesterday's exciting instalment finished, and the sounds came from Charlie the Dog's maid, Ethel.

Her bedroom was blisteringly hot, so after a few hours of searching for a hand-held fan to cool her down, she inserted some extra-powerful batteries, flicked the switch, then…

Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

Yes, it's those sounds again. It turned out the batteries were far more powerful than she'd expected. The blast from the fan blew her backwards out of her open bedroom window. Luckily, she landed on something soft.

Aching all over, Ethel dusted herself down while wondering out loud: 'Where's my boss, Charlie the Dog? He was supposed to be relaxing out here.'

Her boss was the 'something soft' that she'd landed on.

'I’m here,' said Charlie, but his voice was so muffled that Ethel could barely hear him.

'Eh? Who said that?' she said.

Charlie tried to make himself heard again, this time a little louder.

'I did, Ethel,' he snapped. 'Now … shift yourself! I'm suffocating!'

'Oops. Sorry, sir,' said Ethel, leaning forward so her boss slide out from underneath her. 'I didn't see you there. Hope you didn't mind me dropping in on you like that.'

'Of course not,' said Charlie, pushing himself up. 'You know I love it when people fall on me from a great height and break all my bones.'

'Do you?' said Ethel. She smiled. 'I'll have to do it again then. Excuse me while I run upstairs.' Ethel obviously didn't understand sarcasm.

'No, no,' said a panicked Charlie, pulling her back. 'Tell you what. Since we're both up and about, we might as well pop along to the tree centre to get that thing we wanted for the garden.'

'Tree centre?' said Ethel, looking puzzled. 'What can you get from a tree centre?'

It's a difficult question, for Ethel at least. For the surprisingly obvious answer, join us for tomorrow's exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 323 words (Total so far: 1,933 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #5

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


Charlie the Dog, world-famous poodle detective, was relaxing in his back garden. It was his day off and he was really enjoying himself. The main reason he was enjoying himself was the fact that his maid, Ethel, was nowhere to be seen and for all he knew she could be on the other side of the world.

But she wasn't on the other side of the world. She was upstairs in her bedroom and had been there for the last six hours. She was frustrated because she was trying to find something under her bed.

'Where could it be?' she said. 'I can't see it anywhere.'

Part of the problem was that she kept too many things under her bed. For a start, there was her treasured collection of mouldy false teeth, amassed over the last fifty years. She also kept dozens of tins of rice pudding because, as she always said, you never knew when you might need a tin of rice pudding.

There was much, much more under there – conkers, bubble gum, sweet wrappers, wigs, Christmas crackers, assorted black and white photos of South American dictators – you name it, it was there … except, it seemed, the thing she was looking for.

But now she had found it.

'Yippee!' she yelled triumphantly. She decided to celebrate her success by eating a tin of rice pudding.

'Owch!' She’d taken a bite but forgotten that it's best to open the tin first. She replaced her broken false teeth with another set of dentures from under the bed.

Then she grabbed the thing that she'd been looking for all this time: a hand-held fan to cool herself down. She needed it more than ever because she'd worked up quite a sweat while reaching under her bed these last few hours.

'Brilliant! I'll just insert these extra-powerful batteries that Charlie got me, flick the switch, then…’

Smash! Crash!

'Yaaaa-aaaahh!'

What were these strange sounds? Sorry, you'll have to read tomorrow's exciting instalment to find out.


Today’s total: 333 words (Total so far: 1,610 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #4

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


Ethel, Charlie the Dog's maid, was world-renowned for making the worst breakfasts ever.

Charlie the Dog, world-famous poodle detective, was renowned for hating Ethel's breakfasts with a passion.

He'd had to eat one this morning and it took him ages to recover. Luckily, it was his day off, so at least he didn't have to catch lots of cackling evil criminals while trying to recuperate. Instead, he was relaxing in his back garden.

'This is the life.'

Now that some of the effects of the breakfast had worn off, Charlie was really happy.

It was a sunny day, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

He was lazing in his favourite stripey deckchair, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

He was listening to the soundtrack of his favourite musical, Dog-Whistle Down the Wind, but that wasn't the reason he was happy.

No, the reason he was happy was that Ethel was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't in the garden, picking weeds and nettles for one of her sloppy stews. She wasn't at work in the kitchen, concocting a poisonous mixture otherwise known as dinner. And she couldn't be seen through the living room window, pushing the vacuum cleaner around on 'blow' rather than 'suck' because she couldn't tell the difference and spraying thick clouds of dust everywhere.

For all Charlie knew, she might be on the other side of the world, and as far as he was concerned that was the best place for her.

'I hope she never comes back,' he wished out loud. 'From now on I can do my own cooking and never have to go to hospital to have my stomach pumped again.'

Poor Charlie. He was in for a horrible surprise.

What was it? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now, would it? But you might just find out if you read tomorrow's exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 318 words (Total so far: 1,277 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #3

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


Yesterday we read that Charlie the Dog's maid had discovered her boss at the bottom of a smelly laundry basket. He was hiding from Ethel who wanted to serve him one of her infamous breakfasts. Charlie would do anything he possibly could to avoid eating one of those infamous breakfasts. (They were infamous because they were stomach-turningly awful.)

One time Charlie had climbed up onto the top of their roof, even though it was cold and snowy up there. He thought he was safe, but he'd forgotten that Ethel was an expert at hang-gliding. Wearing her pilot's goggles and a vintage World War 2 crash helmet, she glided past him on the roof while expertly handing him a tray with one of her horrible breakfasts.

'Don't forget to eat it all up, sir,' she shouted back at him while narrowly avoiding a tree.

I won't tell you what Charlie shouted back at her.

Another time, Charlie locked himself in the cellar, even though it was cold, dark and dusty down there, with lots of scary spiders and other assorted creepy-crawlies.

He smiled when he locked the cellar door, wiped his brow and breathed a happy sigh of relief.

'Phew, made it,' he muttered to himself. 'There's no way Ethel will get to me down here.'

'What was that, sir?' said Ethel.

'I said, there's no way that … eh? Who said that?'

'Me, sir,' said Ethel. 'I've just been sprinkling some nice nutritious cobwebs all over your porridge. Much more healthy than horrible jam or sugar. Here it is, sir. Hope you like it.'

I don't need to tell you that Charlie didn't like it. Just as Charlie didn't like being found at the bottom of the laundry basket.

'I'm glad I found you, sir,' said Ethel. 'Now I can give you your breakfast.'

'Gulp,' went Charlie. It would take him a day to recover … which is how long you'll have to wait to read the next exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 330 words (Total so far: 959 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #2

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


Yesterday, we read that Charlie the Dog’s maid Ethel was hunting him down in his house. Had he done something wrong? No, he was hiding from her because Ethel wanted to feed him some breakfast.

This doesn’t sound so bad till you realise that Ethel’s breakfasts were in the Guinness Book of Records for scoring higher than one-thousand on the GAS scale. (GAS stood for Gastronomically Awful Smells.) No one had beaten this record and no one ever would. If there was a scale for horrible tastes, she would be in the Guinness Book of Records for that as well.

‘Sir! Sir! Where are you, sir?’ she yelled. ‘Breakfast is ready and you can’t go to work on an empty stomach!’

Ethel was right. And it was unfortunate for Charlie that empty stomachs belonging to starving poodles sometimes groan really loudly.

Groan!

‘What was that?’ said Ethel.

'That' was Charlie's stomach, of course, and it was obvious where the sound had come from.

'Gotcha!' said Ethel, and she rummaged around inside the laundry basket.

'Oh no,' said Charlie. 'She's found me.'

It said a lot that Charlie was prepared to hide at the bottom of a pile of sweaty towels and grime-stained clothes rather than eat one of Ethel's breakfasts.

Tossing the laundry to one side, Ethel said to the cowering figure at the bottom of the basket: 'What are you doing hiding at the bottom of the laundry basket again?'

'I … er … I was trying to find some missing socks,' explained Charlie.

'Funny, sir,' said Ethel, who sounded suspicious. 'That's what you were doing in there last time. And the time before, and the other 26 times as well.'

'Well, I've got an awful lot of missing socks, you know.'

And Charlie would have to do an awful lot of thinking to avoid eating Ethel's horrible breakfast. To find out if he succeeds, read tomorrow's exciting instalment.


Today’s total: 320 words (Total so far: 629 words)

The Longest Story Ever by Andrew Wooding - Day #1

(You can join this epic story at any time, but have fun browsing the archives if you want to dip into past instalments or even start from the beginning. Feel free to leave your comments as well. Cartoons by Mychailo Kazybrid.)


There’s a very famous saying that goes: ‘Behind every good man, there’s a good woman.’ You might have heard it before. Julius Caesar had Mrs Julius Caesar. Winston Churchill had Mrs Winston Churchill. And Lord Nelson had Mrs Lord Nelson. He also had a son called Half Nelson who happened to be good at wrestling.

There’s another saying that’s not quite so famous. It goes: ‘Behind every world-famous poodle detective called Charlie the Dog, there’s a really horrendous maid called Ethel.’ It’s not the most catchy saying in the world but at least it’s true.

Ethel was the worst maid ever. She had been Charlie the Dog’s maid for years. She was terrible at cooking and always left the house in a worst state than before when she tried to tidy up. Charlie didn’t have the heart to sack her so he did his best to avoid her whenever he could.

‘Sir! Sir! Where are you, sir?’ she yelled. ‘I can’t find you anywhere!’

Ethel was in Charlie the Dog’s house, carrying a tray with his breakfast that she’d just made for him. The smell from the tray was worse than ten pairs of unclean socks soaked in a bowl of month-old egg yolks. Don’t be shocked. Her breakfasts always smelt like that.

‘Sir, come here, will you?’ she carried on yelling. ‘I've got some lovely breakfast for you! It's your favourite: snail flakes in milk, boiled snails on toast, fried snails in vinegar, and snail flavoured coffee with whipped cream on top. Come and get it!’

No one came and got it.

‘I said, come and get it!’ she screamed. ‘You know you love it! Did you hear me, sir? Come and get it!’

Poor Charlie the Dog was hiding. Would Ethel manage to find him? You’ll have to read tomorrow’s exciting instalment to discover the horrible truth.

Today’s total: 309 words (Total so far: 309 words)